Mark Bodo's "Art of Nurture, Guidance, and Role Modeling: Raising Boys to be 'Men'"
Art of Nurture, Guidance, and Role Modeling: Raising Boys to be "Men"
By Mark Bodo (Links to an external site.) , blogger and President of Anywho Productions 06/09/2010
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Being the father of two young boys has its interesting moments. Sometimes, as a parent it is hard to know whether or not we are providing our children, the nurturing, guidance, and role modeling they need to become emotionally and mentally healthy adults. Sometimes it is through their little gestures and deeds that we begin to see the positive fruits of our labor.
In my home we openly express love and affection. I want to fulfill my sons’ needs for nurturing and love, so that they will grow up knowing that showing love and affection is not a sign of weakness, but strength. My boys are very compassionate and loving, and this becomes evident in subtle ways each day. There is nothing like having your son tell you he loves you while he is taking a “dump” on the toilet. It may be misplaced affection at that moment and humorous, but I at least know that the thought was on his mind and he felt comfortable enough to express it.
As an active father, I am always finding new opportunities to create learning moments for my children. Whether it is little sayings like, “It is not how we fall that matters, but how we get back up that counts.” or observing and discussing the outcome of their actions, each moment is a potential learning moment. I am active in their lives whether it is attending school functions, playing at home, or coaching their youth soccer teams. Our guidance as parents can often be lost upon impulsive young boys, but there are the moments when you see the light bulb go off. It is nice to be able to go through a grocery store checkout aisle without a fight because my boys understand the difference between a need and a want. Even better is seeing your child holding the door open for an elderly man as he enters a store.
This behavior is a direct result of positive role-modeling. When my boys observe their father, they see a man that loves sports and being physically active, but they also see the sensitive man that is not afraid to cry while watching a Disney movie, expresses his love for them, and discusses difficult topics. My hope is that my role-modeling will allow them to understand that love, fear, and sadness are not signs of weakness, but signs of normalcy and emotional availability. My sons do not see a stereotypical man and hopefully they will not fall into the stereotype either. We cook together, clean together, garden together, and draw together. There is no pressure to be a boy in our household. There is only the expectation to “be”.
Unfortunately, not every boy is afforded these basic needs to become a functioning adult male. As is learned in the documentary “Raising Cain”, boys naturally need a certain amount of nurturing in order to meet their emotional and mental development needs. Young boys are just as emotional, if not more so than girls. What we are discovering is that due to societal expectations, institutional systems of education, lack of male role models, and the lack of emotional nurturing, we are losing a generation of young boys whom are not fully developing the skills they need to become mentally and emotionally healthy adults.
Society expects boys to be and act a certain way. These messages are delivered through our schools, media, relationships, and society. Being constantly bombarded by these images, boys sense the need to assimilate to these pre-defined gender roles and ideas of masculinity even if it means repressing their true self and emotions. This separation or denial of their emotional self can become troubling if the child does not receive the nurturing they need, is rejected by peers, and is failing at school. These boys will fall through the cracks, wear a “mask of masculinity”, and become stuck in a cycle of emotional distress. These social expectations will also be enforced by young boys as they enter puberty and begin to define what “normal” masculine behavior is. Young boys desire to obtain the acceptance of their peers, so they often feel the need to excel in an area that is appreciated to be masculine.
Our educational systems, which lean toward the feminine needs of children, need to begin to recognize how to better meet the masculine needs of boys to help them find academic success and create a better sense of self-awareness. This can be accomplished through employing more male teachers, gender based classrooms, physical activity, and educational environmental conditions that are safe and conducive to learning for boys.
With 40% of boys living at home without a biological father and the U.S. having the highest rate of fatherlessness, the need for male role models is even greater. In inner-cities, where these rates are the highest, the need to reach young males is most dire. As young males enter their teenage years, peer bonds become more significant. A child’s fear and anxiety can lead them to become involved in gangs, creating a false sense of security and acceptance. A father, father-figure, or male role model is essential for a teenage boy to be able to open up emotionally, see positive forms of male role-modeling, and receive the nurturing and support they need to develop emotionally.
As parents, we must always keep communications open with and be actively involved with our children. We need to break down the barrier of silence and allow our children to confer their fears, anxiety, and anger as they develop into adults. We must support our children in their pursuits and not criticize behaviors that are not deemed masculine or feminine. We must not enforce gender stereotypes, but allow our young boys and girls to realize that being a “man” or "woman" is not a way of life or state of being; it is just one’s gender. As my two boys grow older, I do not expect them to be “good men”; I hope they will become “good people”. By providing them the nurturing, guidance, and role-modeling they need, I can only hope that I will continue to see those little “A-ha” moments and know that they are emotionally and mentally prepared for their adulthood.
